PTSD | My Past Trauma

My panic attacks came back last year in August. Roman, my oldest, had just turned 8. I started having the dreams then and the night sweats followed. It felt like new territory. I thought I was letting my mental state go again. Had I not taken care of it? Was it neglected again in the busy weeks? The fear overwhelmed me as I realized it felt too familiar like I've been through this before. Shit, I really did let myself go again. Then things took a turn. I found myself not able to handle much. I'm a mom of two boys under 10 years old. So you can imagine how hectic things get around here. I found myself drawn to my oldest. Just wanted to hold him, to tell him how loved he is, and how very strong he is. 

Weeks went by. Nothing changed. Only worsened. I found myself in the shower crying more often. I had been super irritable and said something that hurt my husband's feelings. He didn't say it but I knew it did. I haven't snapped like this in so long. It kept happening. I thought I was past the anger of the past. I would walk out of the room needing a break from my kids often. I felt like a horrible mom. I began having a hard time getting up in the mornings. I was a literal zombie. I feared I would forget these memories of my babies in the future when I blackout these dark times like I have before. 

I started not leaving the house unless I had to (taking Roman to school) and the thought of seeing anyone made me want to puke. The confidence that I had been building and working on for the past two years hit an all-time low as I started to feel my self-worth wasn't anything. I kept having these dark dreams that led to me waking over and over. I could never remember them but they made me sick. But then I saw his face again in my sleep. I would wake crying like I was 8 all over again. The past trauma flooding back and wondering after all this time why it's back. Not even realizing it was the thing ruining me mentally and physically all over again. Then the anger would overtake me again. The next stage was the darkest with thoughts I haven't had in years. My mind then started boycotting bedtime altogether and I literally thought I would die of exhaustion at some point. 

I didn't share with my husband until months later what I had been going through. I almost felt like he knew or that he knew something was going on I wasn't letting him in on. It took a toll on me. Even months later I was (and still am) dealing with the aftermath of healing again and letting go. Just wondering if even opening up about it after this healing time will trigger a repeat. You think time heals but sometimes time just lets you forget for a moment. It lets you take a break, but it'll always come back. 

PTSD - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. 

PTSD symptoms are generally grouped into four types: intrusive memories, avoidance, negative changes in thinking and mood, and changes in physical and emotional reactions. Symptoms can vary over time or vary from person to person. - Mayo Clinic


Sure, I've dealt with a lot of stress but I've always downplayed what I've been through. I let others tell me "it wasn't just you that went through hard times," "at least it wasn't worse!" "at least he is out of the picture," and so on. Everyone including myself always downplayed what I experienced. What I went through. Yet, almost 20 years later I'm triggered by my very own baby turning 8 years old. The thought of him in that position. Hurt, scared, alone, overly sheltered from the outside world, and not a single way out. The thought of him being failed as a child and then just having to live with it. It hurt me, it triggered me, but it also showed me how wrong I was. How wrong everyone was. I needed help. I was enough then and I'm enough now. There was no excuse for what happened then or now as I still heal. PTSD and any stress disorders are real. You may just be reading my story but you may have a similar story. If you do, you are not alone. Even if your story is not like mine. You are not alone. You don't have to share it like I have, but know you are worthy to cry. You are worthy to grieve, be angry, and heal. But don't you dare make excuses or let others make them for you to downplay your pain like I did. 

It's taken me a year to heal and work on myself to get the courage to tap that publish button. But I am here showing up for me every day and feeling confident in sharing a part of me. 


xx - Ally 



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